A healing journey of a girl interrupted

[Marrrianne]

About social nervousness, skin cleansing and cheating days.

OK So I would like to tell about my life the last month. I've been on a camp that made me decide not to eat Wai - which I regretted because it ended up with binge eating which ended up with a week after that week with bulimia attack. I say attack not because I think that I'm a victim but simply because I feel like a have to fight when it happens to me. It took me a week with Wai diet to get well again, to let go of some kilos that I put on and to get into the diet again. I find that every time I go off it is due to something social, or I am out on a restaurant that doesn't serve anything that I can eat. I think it easely gets uncomfortable to eat other foods. Salads aren't nice anymore. I used to eat enourmous amounts of lettuce. But it feels odd now. So I don't. Cucumber and tomato does it for me, I like having that for dinner or whenever..

I feel like it's embarrasing to say no to other things or to explain that I do not eat certain foods when I am asked. Even when I am asked politely. I feel like I am too much, special and all that, and I know that it is not rational. I must work on it. Tomorrow I'm going out and I actually plan to eat some fish before I go. And then not to be hungry. Because I'm under pressure right now and I do not have time to be tired and to not be able to enjoy life right now. My skin does not like my cheating days. I cheat on certain foods and I know why I eat them sort of.. Too much bing eating on bad foods. Too much overeating and throwing up has made my skin really odd. I might take some pictures because some of it looks peculiar. I've got a dark spot that's been there for weeks and right now I really wanna go to a professional to get my skin cleansed!

I would like to say that I'm going on a journey in 2 weeks time. I'm going to Ireland to work. Northern Ireland. Wonder what the fruits are like at that place...? I really wanna go with fresh skin and a good health. It's so important, more important than finding a summerjob, just to be fit and well when I go. It's also so important to have the mindset of Wai, to be in the Wai-mode. It makes it easier. Not a week full of crap food. I mean, you either serve me a raw beef og some crap with sauce all over it. I'm kind of looking forward to experience what it's gonna be like to be in a different country and to be on this diet. I'm gonna bring my citrus juicer and hope for the best. I mean, claim what's the best for me.
I'm always nervous because I know that I'm like this - I get nervous about how much I can demand of people. This is so sick and I'm grateful that this diet is helping me being aware of this. This is one day at the time.

[Emeira]

Hi Marrrianne, i really recommend reading this book: "Brain over Binge: Why I Was Bulimic, Why Conventional Therapy Didn't Work, and How I Recovered for Good" by Kathryn Hansen. This is her blog and forum ---> http://www.brainoverbinge.com/blog-1/
This book is great too: "The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself" by michael a. singer ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoRuapZ2rU4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3el1Kp7clsA

Mindfulness/vipassana meditation is very helpful!
meditation is not some voodoo thing it is based on science
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAy_3Ssy ... g&index=10
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcrGlUHlu4M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TeWvf-n ... g&index=11
there are many good videos in youtube

if you want to, I can send these books for free

[Marrrianne]

I take it out on food. And I want meaning in my life. And acting irrational does not bring more depth nor meaning into my life. Fighting for health does. Fighting for being able to go to bed at night certainly does.

Wow thanks so much Emeira. I havent really replied because I simply just dont know what to say. It's so difficult being trapped here in fear and using food makes it so complicated and painful. I checked out your links and it feels so good to know that other people are struggling too and actually got out of it. I've been throwing up all night and I've been thinking about why and trying to analyze things help.
I'm going to live in a different country for 6 months and I'm leaving in 2 weeks. It freaks me out and the pressure to be perfect and to be 'ready to go' and 'do my best' is freaking me out right now. More than I thought. So, I take it out on food. I haven't got anything else to take it out on. So I need to find that. And I'm grateful for the wisdom that I find here on this forum because I know that it doesn't matter how much of a girl interrupted I am, I can still let food heal me.

I can still let it heal me and that's what I'm gonna do. I try to figure out what happened last night and what caused the binge and the throwing up. And I think I know because I've been trying to be 100 Wai and then I've been cheating a lot and I think I've done it the wrong way, because I've kept saying to myself that 'today I do it 100% and then 14 days from now on' and then I'm at social gathering and I think 'what the heck I can cheat a little' and so I just keep bouncing between these different mindsets instead of actually deciding to eat some munchfood that I could enjoy and not just feel pushed to eat. I'm so bad at making decisions. I need to do things 100% or else I lose grip of what I'm doing. And there's no meaning, no point anymore. I hate it when there's no meaning with what I do. I hate it when I'm not going anywhere.

There's good stuff in hitting the bottom. Healthwise I do not feel great today. I'm bloated and tired and my throat hurts. That's how it is. But the last 24 hours has made me realize that I am using food as mental medicine. I am actually an addict when it comes to getting a kick out of throwing up- just the fact that I can. But it is a waist of time. it is unsexy and unsustainable.

I know I'll be up again. And I know that I'm gonna find a different way of figuring out all these emotions that comes from feeling the pressure before I go traveling. I just wanna fight for my right to go to Ireland, feeling healthy and knowing what is going on in my head. Having more consciousness instead of just running away from what's going on. Ireland is motivation right now. BEcause I want to be awake. I want to be mentally stronger and wiser when I start my life there. Feel like I need a miracle. And I know that I'm that miracle.

[Oscar]

Don't forget that cooked food (proteineous and/or wheat/milk) is addictive, so it's not that easy to let go of it, especially in social occasions.

[Marrrianne]

Yes Oscar. It's sad but true!

I just made a big mistake. I had a party at my house and I had some bread, chips, crap lying around the next day. I then thought I might have some. But I was scared all the time that I would overdo it. and I just did.
I don't think that I wanna do this anymore, to invite people over and have cooked food. I mean, I just had a little. Very little. It did not harm me. But the next day when I was alone I just could not resist it. SEriously. I won't do it anymore. It's clearly too much of a challenge to have it in my house. So disappointed with myself but there's nothing else to do than to learn from my mistake. I just demand too much from myself sometimes. I even demand that I try to act like everyone else but I won't do it anymore.

I wonder if you guys who succeed in this diet eat the same everyday of if you spice it up, or if you eat the same for a week, then change it up a bit? I accidentally bought some cod. Is that even eatable??

[Oscar]

Yeah, it's far easier not to eat anything addictive at all than to eat a little bit. I remember thinking like: "How would this taste now? Shall I try just 1?". Don't do it. Maybe when you're totally comfortable with this diet, although then you wouldn't want to anymore.
I more or less eat the same every day.
If the cod is fresh, check for parasites just to be sure.

[RRM]

Like herring, cod is quite parasite-prone.

[Marrrianne]

I've been in Ireland for two weeks now and my social nervousness has really shown it's face. To say 'no' to things like free food and coffee and thea has been really hard. I fortunatelybrought my juicer and really like how fast my body restores its energy and well being when I go back on the diet.
I really want to continue this lifestyle and i feel it's the right thing for me after having been on it for a couple of months. Well, includind the ups and downs...

Because i wanna stay in shape, lose weight and feel good I now try to incorporate running into my schedule every day. I've also discovered pilates. I would looove to have a really low body fat percentage but I know I only get there by juicing and by eating my yolks and fish.

My coworkers really think that it's funny how much fruit I eat. It's just that everytime I need to get back onthis diet I tend to buy all kinds of great fruits because i think it makes it more exciting and fun and I feel like it's my way of regaining my joy for fruits. But I just really try to focus on that that's them and I'm me and I do this my way. Besides, many of them are actually overweight. Not just a little bit 'curvy' as I think people get in Denmark, but really obese. I did know that it's a problem in the UK and now that I see it....it's motivating me.

And it's so sad. Maybe sadness and the pain I feel when my skin breaks out after a day of groce bingeeating is what motivates me the most. And of course my mothers sclerosis. I wish my mother tried this diet but I can't preach the Wai Word untill I've healed myself can I...

People often ask me if I'm a vegetarian when they see me eating a bowl of fruit. But I'm not. But I do not like the meat industry and the fact that animals gets tortured and all that.... I hope to find me way in that issue. And I hope to find my way in this diet. Now it's new month. Let's see what it brings. at least im off coffee.!

[Marrrianne]

Fasting!

So, I've been reading the book The Fast Diet. And I think it's really interesting. If I do it I figure I should do what they say when it comes to eating protein on my fasting days. That way, my food intake would consist on mostly fasts and protein.

I want to do the fasting because of weightloss and because of spiritual reasons. I feel like I worry a lot about my weight and I find it so difficult so motivate myself these days to stick to the diet. I want to spent more time reading about wai, to keep myself motivated and I want to be more engaged in this forum, so that my only solution is not just to fast;)

I wonder if there are other people here that fast. And I am curious to find out how it affects me. I've fasted before in my life. And it is totally possible. I've had great experiences with it. I've of course also overdone it. BUt I really want to incorporate it as part of my life again.

Other than fasting I want to do more caloriecounting and I want to find out how many calories I'm actually taking in. So, there're more than one thing these days I wanna look into. But I definitely need to be more in control of my body. And I feel like

[Nina75]

Hello Marianne, you're talking about fast in your previous post, why not simply Wai Warrior (see post MRR: Wai warrior experience) and it explains all the details. In fact to sum it AGAiT to all of its energy in the evening for 2-4 hours (for 2-5 hours) example you go home at 19h this is the beginning you are going to drink a lot juice (easier) and fresh and raw protein ....

Of course before starting this, you ensure a good control of your energy levels and have well understood. MRR to much experience with this, but for others of course it is essential to know and learn his energy level before starting, because the goal is to have energy all day ....

Good to know: In the beginning of this diet, early, I hungry all the time, all the time (unfortunately I put a lot of time to know the miracle Wai : Juice + sugar + OO). At first I was eating a lot of whole fruits as often as possible, not very practical, weight loss, not a lot of energy (again: I did not know the juice) and then I read, ask questions and juices have managed to remove all the problems.

I guess my body today is perfect because I can follow the Wai warrior without problem ie the day I can only drink water or anything without it affecting my level energy, my weight and my mood. Actually eat something solid day would make me less energy. You know what I mean? Of course the day I still have my juice with me because I simply do but sometimes I have nothing except water (which is rare) and it does not bother me at all.

So I think the best thing to do for you and Marianne to fully control the energy level (stable weight, sport, good humor) then make juice, more juice and make Wai warrior if and only if you want fast. If nothing prevents you from pressing 1.5 litters for a day or two liters .... Warrior and evening.

All my text is translated by Internet, therefore there is no confusion: I personnaly noticed that when you have followed the wai diet for a long period of time you can fast, in fact it is not exactly what I mean, with the wai diet I do not see the point of fast but sometimes I do not drink my juice or other during the day and I have no problem with my energy, my weight or because I think I'm on this diet for a long time but you Marianne I do not know, so be careful and above all, never forget that you always have energy and juices are perfect and that I read they do not need disgestion so this gives us a lot of energy is basically what I imagine is very healthy. If you do not like orange juice or another, go versapers and another world opens up to you.

[RRM]

Yes, why not Wai Warrior?